It's been a while- my apologies.
To be frank, shit has been hard. A reality many have to face daily.
I'm not exactly happy with my current situation. Actually scratch that- I really really dislike my current situation. I'm a recent college graduate with an awesome degree and a pretty rad employment history but right now, and I mean right now [read: this & past few months] has been a muddled mixture of trying to figure out my plan after everything crumbled and managing my anxiety so it stops interfering with my efforts.
Don't get me wrong- I have come an extremely long way and I am overall "happy". Not my peak happy, but in general, I know things will work out and I still have amazing love & support from friends and family. I've been seeing a really great guy who has helped a lot too. However, when I focus on paying off student loan debts/my career I have to stop myself from falling into a panic attack almost every time.
This is when my dear frenemy anxiety has a damn hayday. It sees the wheels start turning in my head and jumps in with the gumption of a 5 year old in a ball-pit. It speeds up those wheels and mixes shit around, making it hard to concentrate and figure out my situation. It takes me down paths that aren't conducive, aren't healthy, and ultimately a slide to dark places I once lived that I would like to never visit again.
And even worse, people around you rarely get it, let alone sympathize. For those that have escaped anxiety disorders, its hard for them to fathom the gut wrenching feeling of panic, and that it comes for no conscious reason. They don't realize that you do want to progress in life, and that you're not a lazy P.O.S. making excuses as to why its so hard to get your butt out the door and into society for work. And worse yet, they don't realize that people with anxiety beat themselves up daily for the seemingly unprovoked shakes, panic, and jitters we have that impede our daily activities.
Just an update that I am here, and trying. I am struggling, yet still prevailing. I may be on a "side-track" but I will not let my anxiety stop me from getting back onto my real path.