Wednesday, July 26, 2017


Pathetic. Failure. No value.

The spiral. 

My mind is a mess, thoughts flowing improperly through my head, bumping into each other, arguing with one another over who is right or wrong. Of course I, the owner of said head, cannot trust either side pushing itself to the forefront. Am I doing anything right? Why do I have shit to show for all of the hard work I've dedicated to my profession? Why did my perfectly imperfect home I built with him not survive? What did I do wrong each time someone close to me decided I was too much for them, and easy enough to leave behind? No one has found me too hard to leave behind.

I feel alone. I feel tired, and angry, and confused. How can the universe let you love someone so fully, and trust in the full love of theirs, only to remind you its not true? And why would it continue to taunt me, his interactions causing my gut to know that we will always have that deep yet ethereal connection.

Is it that I expect too much from people? My mom tells me you can't expect anything from anyone...but how lonely is that statement? Should I not expect those close to me to see when I'm distraught and expect them to have a heart to reach out to me? Should I not expect them to see me sad and want me to be happy? Is that not that what these relationships are for?

These are the days I hate my extreme empathetic nature most, because it restricts me from seeing it through their perspective. Most people don't care as much as I do, and that is hard for me to accept, as I know no other way. I cannot physically walk away from someone close to me in duress. I cannot look away, I cannot ignore, I cannot let it just happen without trying to aid them in some way.

And people say this is a great quality, and that it is necessary because not many people have it at this level, and empathy is the single most important force behind love when it comes to healing our world. But what if empathy is merely a sling and the world is a severely broken bone? What good is my empathy then?

I've spiraled tonight. And I know tomorrow will be a new day, but tonight...oh tonight. No direction, no prospects, no value found in myself laying in my childhood bed wondering what lead me here. But tomorrow I know will be a new day, and I will look back upon this and reflect on the power of a nights sleep as a reset button.

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