Saturday, August 12, 2017

I Kept it Up Till I Crashed

It's odd how well I'm able to thrust myself forward in times of duress. I cling to the minor feelings of happiness and hope and ignore everything else. It works for a while, enough to fool myself and those around me.

I've been dealing with major anxiety and panic issues for years- around 6 to be exact. Only once before has my symptoms transpired into depression, around 5 years ago when I finally accepted that I had a major problem in my head that I needed to deal with.

Well, it's happened again. I slowly started noticing symptoms I had not felt in so long. I felt numbness and fatigue, lack of empathy, lack of care. This was happening over a few days, just enough for me to raise an eyebrow but not enough for me to call it what it was...until yesterday. I got a job offer, one that pays me enough, has benefits, and is in my dream state. My heart jumped and I felt thrill for all of a minute, until I broke down crying. I just didn't care.

For an empathetic person like myself to not may be one of the most frightening feelings in the world besides grief.

I care about everything, I care too much. I've accepted that side of me, because it's actually who I am.

The way I feel right now, I feel like I've lost myself. I don't know who I am, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, my chest feels tight all of the time, and I feel like my whole being will burst or burn and crumble at any time.

With anxiety I was for the most part able to see it for what it was. Anxiety usually allows me to be a functioning human, albeit difficult at times. It has never stripped me of my empathy, of my essence. This depression, it seems to rob me of everything. Like I'm drowning, reaching up grasping at what I have left of myself but constantly slipping further.

I just gotta remember and keep telling myself it'll get better, even if I don't really believe it in this moment.