Saturday, August 12, 2017

I Kept it Up Till I Crashed

It's odd how well I'm able to thrust myself forward in times of duress. I cling to the minor feelings of happiness and hope and ignore everything else. It works for a while, enough to fool myself and those around me.

I've been dealing with major anxiety and panic issues for years- around 6 to be exact. Only once before has my symptoms transpired into depression, around 5 years ago when I finally accepted that I had a major problem in my head that I needed to deal with.

Well, it's happened again. I slowly started noticing symptoms I had not felt in so long. I felt numbness and fatigue, lack of empathy, lack of care. This was happening over a few days, just enough for me to raise an eyebrow but not enough for me to call it what it was...until yesterday. I got a job offer, one that pays me enough, has benefits, and is in my dream state. My heart jumped and I felt thrill for all of a minute, until I broke down crying. I just didn't care.

For an empathetic person like myself to not may be one of the most frightening feelings in the world besides grief.

I care about everything, I care too much. I've accepted that side of me, because it's actually who I am.

The way I feel right now, I feel like I've lost myself. I don't know who I am, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, my chest feels tight all of the time, and I feel like my whole being will burst or burn and crumble at any time.

With anxiety I was for the most part able to see it for what it was. Anxiety usually allows me to be a functioning human, albeit difficult at times. It has never stripped me of my empathy, of my essence. This depression, it seems to rob me of everything. Like I'm drowning, reaching up grasping at what I have left of myself but constantly slipping further.

I just gotta remember and keep telling myself it'll get better, even if I don't really believe it in this moment.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017


Pathetic. Failure. No value.

The spiral. 

My mind is a mess, thoughts flowing improperly through my head, bumping into each other, arguing with one another over who is right or wrong. Of course I, the owner of said head, cannot trust either side pushing itself to the forefront. Am I doing anything right? Why do I have shit to show for all of the hard work I've dedicated to my profession? Why did my perfectly imperfect home I built with him not survive? What did I do wrong each time someone close to me decided I was too much for them, and easy enough to leave behind? No one has found me too hard to leave behind.

I feel alone. I feel tired, and angry, and confused. How can the universe let you love someone so fully, and trust in the full love of theirs, only to remind you its not true? And why would it continue to taunt me, his interactions causing my gut to know that we will always have that deep yet ethereal connection.

Is it that I expect too much from people? My mom tells me you can't expect anything from anyone...but how lonely is that statement? Should I not expect those close to me to see when I'm distraught and expect them to have a heart to reach out to me? Should I not expect them to see me sad and want me to be happy? Is that not that what these relationships are for?

These are the days I hate my extreme empathetic nature most, because it restricts me from seeing it through their perspective. Most people don't care as much as I do, and that is hard for me to accept, as I know no other way. I cannot physically walk away from someone close to me in duress. I cannot look away, I cannot ignore, I cannot let it just happen without trying to aid them in some way.

And people say this is a great quality, and that it is necessary because not many people have it at this level, and empathy is the single most important force behind love when it comes to healing our world. But what if empathy is merely a sling and the world is a severely broken bone? What good is my empathy then?

I've spiraled tonight. And I know tomorrow will be a new day, but tonight...oh tonight. No direction, no prospects, no value found in myself laying in my childhood bed wondering what lead me here. But tomorrow I know will be a new day, and I will look back upon this and reflect on the power of a nights sleep as a reset button.