Numb.
Not completely, but the first word that pops into mind when searching for the right ones to describe how I am feeling lately. Everything is happening so fast and my primary thought/mantra is "don't sink, don't sink, don't sink" because these are the exact situations that enable my mind, sinking it back to places I vowed to erase every time I have crawled out. I worked so hard on loving myself in the past few years, and I have come so far. I got validation and reassurance from myself and that was more than enough.
Vulnerability is tricky. I'm one of those that are huge proponents of "being vulnerable". By doing so, you allow yourself a new insight to things, you open your heart, you open your sacred inner home (read: soul)...and yet I sometimes play the 'ignorance is bliss' card and fail to remember how crushing it can be to be vulnerable, opening yourself up to love just to have the hand holding your heart to crush it. You're not enough, another woman was better, or their own personal issues make them act out of fear.
Vulnerability can be such a useful tool in life, the dynamics involved in the transformation are tools you can use for a lifetime. However, it also opens you up to people who aren't always equipped to handle you and your vulnerability, and damage your being when you are trying to act so soft.
I willingly was vulnerable. I willingly loved, and was rewarded by love in return. This love was so great that I continued to be vulnerable, each day opening up more and weaving ourselves into each other so delicately. Even so, when the day came and he hurt me, regardless of his circumstance, I felt a deep hurt from that place of vulnerability. I questioned why someone I made such a cozy, safe home with would so easily wish it away. I wondered how this person that became part of me, the one I felt most comfort around, most at ease and happy around, could just change their mind.
I will not go into specifics, that is for him and I only.
My point of writing this is to better understand the intracacies involved in making oneself vulnerable and the risks associated. I'm not sure anything different could have changed my situation besides better communication. We were fully open to each other and it lead to amazing things for us. What it does do is put in perspective pain associated with vulnerability.
Though he is still my best friend and we don't plan on cutting contact, my walls have already been partially rebuilt, restricting access to those wanting to get to know me.
But is that the solution? Do the opposite of vulnerability?
Another major aspect of my life has taught me a lot about being more open and vulnerable; travel. So many people journey to foreign places still clinging to what they know. They enter into this new space with a mindset already shaped from our home lives, closing themselves off to so many different cultural practices, beliefs, and community.
Allowing yourself to be a level of vulnerability while travelling that while best position you in this foreign space to learn as much as you can, is a beautiful way of immersing yourself into the Other. By listening rather than acting/speaking first, you create a space in which you experience the Other's way without placing your own preconceived notions on everything.
But even then, vulnerability while travelling is tricky, and can get you into a dangerous situation fast if you are not careful. Trusting the wrong places or people can happen quickly and in many parts of the world there are people who can spot weakness in travelers and will attempt to abuse that.
Vulnerability presents a very fine line to walk, but if you are able to slowly introduce it without pushing it too far, it can create one of the best personal spaces for growth. It can bring you face to face with real fears and dangers but from that we can become stronger, and wiser.
Another major aspect of my life has taught me a lot about being more open and vulnerable; travel. So many people journey to foreign places still clinging to what they know. They enter into this new space with a mindset already shaped from our home lives, closing themselves off to so many different cultural practices, beliefs, and community.
Allowing yourself to be a level of vulnerability while travelling that while best position you in this foreign space to learn as much as you can, is a beautiful way of immersing yourself into the Other. By listening rather than acting/speaking first, you create a space in which you experience the Other's way without placing your own preconceived notions on everything.
But even then, vulnerability while travelling is tricky, and can get you into a dangerous situation fast if you are not careful. Trusting the wrong places or people can happen quickly and in many parts of the world there are people who can spot weakness in travelers and will attempt to abuse that.
Vulnerability presents a very fine line to walk, but if you are able to slowly introduce it without pushing it too far, it can create one of the best personal spaces for growth. It can bring you face to face with real fears and dangers but from that we can become stronger, and wiser.
