Wednesday, September 7, 2016
What triggered it this time? I was sleeping. I don't even remember my dream. I only remember the pool of sweat my body was drenched in when I suddenly woke up, soaking from my feet to head, heart pounding out of my chest, short of breath, that small incessant buzzing feeling throughout my body. These mornings are the worst, so please explain what was it this time?
And why, after 9 years of asking this question have you still yet to answer me?
That's not to say I haven't become well acquainted with you and your behaviors slowly over these past 9 years. We have gone through a lot together, consciously or not, and piece by piece I am figuring you out.
Like, the fact that I keep realizing your appearance in my life may have come much earlier than I originally thought. That you have been creeping up my spine for years, making your mark, and building stronger. The other day I remembered how when I was little, I would have stomach aches all the time for no reason...no reason?
There was always a reason, but you were subtle enough at that stage for me and others to ignore it.
Then came tragedy, and that seemed to be the stage you were looking for to make your grand appearance. And still, I somehow missed a ticket to the show.
After my father's death, now looking back, there was a noticeable change in myself. I became a much more pessimistic, negative young adult who just wanted to grow up and move on. I coasted through high school, subconsciously faking it and somehow making it. You were like a parasite at this time, slowly eating my insides, myself unknowing to the damage being caused, ignoring it until it rose to the surface.
I had always been a natural explorer and traveler so it was easy to piggy back on the idea of hope after I was accepted and moved away for college. And this worked to get you off my own back. For once, you shut up! New people, ideas, experiences, friends, loves, and teachers. It was enough to occupy my fast paced mind and feed me everything I wanted, while being my favorite thing- independent. You weren't there to steal that.
Unfortunately, I had no idea that you didn't leave me. Instead, like a bear, you were only hibernating.
And again, you piggy backed tragedy. Only, I had a ticket to this show, and so did others.
You knew of my emotions, and their innate sensitivity. You knew I was on a high, not ready or expecting a low. You knew the exact way to make me spiral and come undone. This time, after two years of learning myself and opening my mind I was finally able to realize you were a "thing". I wasn't sure exactly what but I knew it was 'something' and not a good 'something'. And as much as you fought me with racing thoughts, constant jitters all over, daily bouts of a racing heart, fearing, worrying, fighting...I won.
It was hard, long, and one of the worst processes I've had to go through, but I won.
I won't tell you my secrets but I found some of your triggers that never made any sense. I saw you for what you are and not what you do to me. I learned techniques to properly fight you and come out stronger. I've learned how to do these things every day.
Four years later this is still the reality for us. I begrudgingly accept your existence in exchange for creating a stronger self in the long run. After nine years of this I've realized you are here for a while and hoping that you just disappear. Would it be ludicrous to think I, the landlord of my body, cannot kick out the worst tenant- you, anxiety?
You still manage to make your presence known, even with all my nifty tips and tricks, therapy, and medicine. And the fear of being forced to buy a ticket to a show I hate can be debilitating at times. My mind still races to a speed where I cannot catch up. My heart still pounds for "unnecessary" reasons, panic attacks occurring for no apparent reason. However- they are less frequent, less powerful, and less apparent as I fight forward.
I didn't think or understand for a long time that mental illness could or ever would take this long to not only recognize but strategize, deal with, and cope with.
That, and I never realized just how many of us are ignoring these things. We've all been through shit and could use some help on our way through life and that should never make you feel inferior to others. We could all benefit from it in the end. Life is tricky as fuck and throws you through the ringer you deserve someone to be like "it's chill, lemme help you dude".